Creative
Gardening

In these years of gene manipulated vegetables I still prefer the old ways of crossbreeding and natural selection. However, I have always found the practice introduced by Mendel and later followed by Michurin rather tedious and even boring. It is only natural, therefore, that the method that I have developed minimizes actual work in the garden (or lab) and is basically restricted to selecting suitable specimens from grocery bags taken home from the supermarket. As expected of a real scientist, I have carefully documented my investigations in the field. Unfortunately my wife has mistakenly discarded the sheet of paper containing my notes. So I can only present a few examples which have survived both the last house-cleaning and the last crash of my Winchester.

Sexpotato of Willendorf

This natural wonder of Austrian origin needs little if any explanation.
Note, however, the well-developed bosoms, the ample tummy with the attractive navel and the tremendous hips. Since thinking and locomotion are rather superfluous for a vegetable spending its life underground, parts supporting such faculties, i.e. head and limbs, have been atrophied.
A 25 thousand year old limestone model of such a tuber (now displayed in a Viennese museum) shows that Solanum species (cf. nightshade family) with edible tubers had been cultivated as well as held in high esteem in Europe long before Columbus discovered the apple-pie—originally made by Indians from the blackish-purple fruits of the eggplant, Solanum melongena, another member of the nightshade family.

Etymological notes: See also the Ober-Austrian word "Schwarzenegger" for "pertaining to or characteristic of black eggs and huge muscles adored in California" as well as the Austro-Hungarian expression "Kolumbusz tojása" (cf. the French equivalent "l'œuf de Colomb") meaning "a simple but dirty trick to make an egg stand still on its end" or—in order for the rest of the educated world to understand—"to undo the Gordian knot by the cunning but illicit use of a sharp object".

Hippopotato

This African hybrid vegetable is distinguished by its large tolerance of ground water, a highly appreciated property in countries where agriculture is only possible in flood plains of rivers. Also, its proteins are just as rich in essential amino acids as those coming from animals. However, excessive consumption of the vegetable often leads to obesity and/or compulsive reading of poems by Ronald W. Hull.

Wait a minute! I have just realized that someone has "borrowed" it from my garden without asking me. Maybe I will have to raise that fence...

Tom-thum'ato

This thumb-sized English-Norwegian breed of non-vegetable is a close relative of the "Human Been" invented by Roald Dahl, one of the greatest experts in Creative Gardening.
One of his most famous books (published by Kindergardenverlag zu Hausen), "The Bible For Gardeners", is simply called "The BFG"' by enthusiasts.
Tom-thum'atoes are best when served raw and decorated with cloves for eyes.

Gourange/Gaurange

According to a Buddhist legend, the young Gautama Siddhartha, was once sitting at the Ganges munching on an orange while watching a kissing gourami (Helostoma temmincki) building a foam nest in the holy river for his offspring. Absorbed in his thoughts, Gautama was absent-mindedly spitting the orange seeds into the nest and the fish took care of them as if they'd been his own.
Miraculously, one of the seeds grew into a beautiful tree overnight, full of juicy gouranges, the first ones of their kind.
Among Krishna followers, the same story is associated with the Lord Gauranga (Sri Krishna Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, born 1486 A.D.), which explains the uncertainty about how to spell the name of the fruit.

Twinheaded snozzcumber

This strange vegetable is believed to be an endemic species that can only be found in the vicinity of Rosswell, New Mexico. It prefers arid and hot environment. When raised in colder climate—see, e.g., the specimen in the picture—it develops a cold-resistant bulky tissue on its top similar to the head-gears of Cossacks or the bearskins of guardsmen, which protects the plant from the frost.
Elderly people born in Rosswell insist that the first specimens did not show up until the 1950s when rumors spread about giant UFOs havig landed in the neighborhood. Some UFO experts assert that this coincidence speaks for the extraterrestrial origin of the twinheaded snozzcumber (Beeblebroxum zaphodii Dahl et Adams). As a matter of fact, the snozzcumber only got the Best For Garbage (BFG) grade from the WHO's Food Classification Department towards the end of the 20th century, showing that it cannot be one of the oldest foods serving mankind.